The Security Check Point

After walking through the full body security screening check point, at the airport, I went to retrieve my computer.  An agent was holding my bag and had a very grim look on her face.

“Sir, do you have any electronic devices in this bag?” she asked.

I have heard that airport security agents do not respond very well to joking.  So, I resisted the impulse to offer one of my witty responses.  (After all, she was pointing to what was obviously a computer bag and asking if it contained any electronic devices.)

Instead I gave a succinct, honest response:  “There’s a Kindle, an I-Pod Nano and a lap top computer in the bag.”

“Your bag triggered a security alarm, sir.  I need you to step out of line, please.” she said.

“What does that mean?” I asked.

She said, “That means we’ll have to do a search of your bag.”

At that moment another agent stepped up, began putting on rubber gloves and said, “Sir, I’m going to have to do a fully body pat down.”  [I’m not kidding about the rubber gloves.]  He was not smiling so, again—mustering up heroic will power—I resisted the urge to offer one of my knee-slappingly funny lines.

The agent explained the “pat down” procedure, describing in detail exactly what he was going to do.  Where he would touch me.  How he would touch me.

Then he pointed to a little room about 25 feet away and said, “Would you prefer that we did this in a private area?”

I said, “No, we can do it right here.”

He did the pat down.  And then he mumbled something that I couldn’t understand.

By the way, both of the agents that I dealt with spoke so softly that I had to ask each of them to repeat what they said several times.

He repeated, “Okay, we’re done.”

“May I retrieve my belt and the items that I removed from my pockets, now?”

“Yes,” he said.  But he kept staring at me with a look that seemed to say, “I’ve got my eye on you, bub!”

The other agent returned from the more thorough search and second X-ray of my bag.  She looked at me, pointed at the bag and mumbled.

“Pardon me?”

A little louder, “Okay, you can go.”

“Do you know what triggered the alarm?” I asked.

She shook her head and said something that I couldn’t understand.

So, holding up my pants with one hand—I still didn’t have time to put my belt back on—I grabbed my computer bag and got the heck out of there!

In the back of my mind, I wonder if the terrorists have hacked into the airport security video feed and are sitting, somewhere, having a really good laugh, right now.