Follow Up To: How To Have Difficult Discussions

The comment, below, came as a follow up to the previous post titled, “How To Have Difficult Discussions.”  It is provided here with the consent of the person who posted the comment.

Comment:

I sure appreciate the humor in that comment, but would you agree that some things are better left unsaid? If my opinion is not requested then I assume, in most cases, that it's unwanted. (comments posted on Facebook are an assumed invitation for my opinion-lol!) I also try to think ahead to whether or not there's a positive benefit to me saying something. If the discussion will not result in positive action or response, then it's probably better left alone.

In your line of work, I'd suspect that you're often asked for your opinion and guidance. I imagine one of the hardest things is not that someone would be angered by your words, but that those words would fall on deaf ears and you can only watch that person continue to struggle. Thoughts? (that's me asking for your opinion-hahahaha)

--Nina Russell Korcheck

My Response:

Yes, I agree Nina.  It can depend on the circumstances but, in general, when opinions are not requested it’s often best not to offer our opinions.  When our opinions are not requested they are typically not received, anyhow.

But, again, this really depends on the situation.  In my original post I was referring to those situations where truth genuinely needs to be spoken even though it may be the case that a person does not want to hear the truth.  Ironically this can be an act of great love that winds up being unappreciated or even—in a certain sense—being punished… thus my joke about just leaving town, since that would be much easier.

It’s interesting that you mention my line of work, in this regard.  There have been many, many times when people have come to talk with me and in the course of our time together have never asked for my opinion.  I think it’s possible that sometimes they don’t ask because they assume that they already know what my opinion will be.  So, they talk and I listen, then they tell me, “I feel much better, now” and we’re done.

I think one of the primary factors involved in this topic is that people (this includes all of us) have a hard time really hearing and coming to grips with things that we don’t want to hear.  To face hard truths requires maturity and an admirable amount of self-honesty.

The longer I serve in leadership positions, more impressed I am with people who are willing to graciously, respectfully hear and accept difficult truths.

--Dan Marler