Why Is It Hard To Extend Grace To A Spouse?

My friend, Jennifer, put this question in the “Comment” section of a post that I wrote about “grace” on “Facebook” . . .

“Hey Dan, why is it that some people can extend grace and forgiveness to everybody else and sometimes have a hard time doing it for a spouse. My spouse would like to know that and I haven’t got an answer to that question?”


I suspect that those of us who are married almost certainly know what Jennifer’s spouse is talking about, huh? I don’t presume to know the full answer to this question but part of the answer has to do with “fear”. There is a fear inside us that if we just simply forgive or if we freely and liberally extend grace the relationship will become unbalanced and we’ll be taken advantage of. This unbalance in the relationship can be particularly fearful to us in the marriage relationship where we are, in a certain sense, more “exposed” and more “vulnerable” than in any other relationship. That’s why I said in the original post that we are only willing to extend grace if our hearts have been truly captured by the realization that we are RECIPIENTS of love and forgiveness and mercy and goodness that we do not deserve.

Extending grace is another one of those “okay-I’ll-do-it-but-you-go-first” responses in life. So, we have to realize that even when it comes to extending grace to our spouse God’s grace toward us has already GONE FIRST to such a profound extent that we can be gracious and forgiving. Remember, it’s not because of how magnanimous we are, it’s because of how good Jesus is.

I'm Really Humble. Have You Noticed?

There was a time in my life when I took pride in how humble I was. If you smiled when you read that then you see the irony of it. Humility is really important because relationships are really important. And one of the great wrecking balls of relationships is pride. “Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble thinking of others as better than yourselves.” Phil. 2:3

Hey Look! I'm Operating A Hammer and Nails!

I can’t believe I’m typing this sentence, but here it goes . . .

I was out mending fences today, with my dog Jasper.

Those of you who know me well will need a moment to get up off the floor, having succumbed to shock. It’s true. I feel like a farmer. The guy who has never been inside a “Home Depot” store was “out mending fences” with Jasper.

You say, “Dan, what’s going on, how could this be? I feel like things are all topsy-turvy and spinning out of control—I’m suddenly very dizzy.”

Well, those strong winds last night damaged some portions of the fence surrounding our backyard, so, I went out with a hammer and some nails and I “mended” the fence.

Here we go again, some who know me well will have to get up off the floor.

You dust yourself off and say, “Wait a minute, Dan, YOU operated a HAMMER AND NAILS?!? You did? What’s going on? My world doesn’t make sense anymore! Dan operated a hammer and nails!?! How could this have happened?”

Well, I read one of those “For Dummies” books about operating a hammer and nails. (They’re wonderfully informative.) And after several hours, I figured it out and got to work on that fence. And I don’t mind saying things have been hammered together and secured quite nicely. The fence has been mended. It’s a pretty impressive job….if you tilt your head slightly to the left side as you look at it.

So, to all those who say, “I need to see a miracle before I can believe in God.” I invite you over to our backyard to see something that many people would put into the category of “metaphysical impossibility”: My completed carpentry work.

Here is the newly updated partial list of incredible miracles in this world:

The Resurrection
The Virgin Birth of Jesus
The Parting of the Red Sea
The Raising of Lazarus
Dan mends a fence
Sham Wow cloth

By the way, if you do come over, would you bring some smelling salts? Nadia and Jasper are both still unconscious, having fainted after seeing me with a hammer.

Oh, and would you stop at Panera Bread and get some iced tea? That’s not for Nadia or Jasper, I’m just a little thirsty after all that fence mending (and a couple of lemon wedges, too, please).

The Waiting Is The Hardest Part. Where Have I Heard That Before?

What is the hardest test of our faith? Answer: Waiting. Waiting is too passive. Waiting is too uncertain. Waiting gives us no sense of control. Waiting strands us in the unbearable situation that we’re trying to get out of. The psalmist writes, “Wait upon the Lord.” And that might sound okay but, honestly, I don’t like waiting. How’s your faith? Can you trust God . . . and wait?

A Distraction? Or A Divine Interruption?

Distractions “can be a blessing when distractions are ‘divine interruptions’ by which God gets our attention to turn us in a new direction.”—Leighton Ford. Pay attention to distractions. Some of the greatest blessings that can happen for us occur when God interrupts our plans with something surprising and unexpected and beyond what we ever imagined.

What's Going On With This "Aging" Thing?

I’m sorry. I apologize in advance for writing something this self-centered. It’s awful, really. My mind should be focused on more important things. I ought to rise above such petty matters and get on with issues of eternal significance . . . but I can’t help it.

The issue is this: How the heck am I aging this fast? Is there something in the water? Is there some vitamin that I’m supposed to be taking that I’m missing? Is this just a long dream and I’m going to wake up and find that I’m still 30, and have a good laugh about it all?

I’m actually mildly alarmed when I see pictures of myself these days because my initial reaction is always, “Who’s that old geezer with Nadia?....Oh, nevermind…”

I had it happen again this week. I went to a drive thru and the teenager at the cash register said, “That’s $7.25, but with the senior discount it’s $6.35, grandpappy.”

Alright, she didn’t really say the “grandpappy” part, but she did automatically assume that I’m eligible for the senior discount. This really happened, and it’s not the first time. What is this? I’m 51 years old and people look at me and assume I’m approaching 72, give or take a year. (Alright, if the lighting is good, I can sometimes pass for 68.) I went ahead and took the senior discount although I’m not actually eligible for it. But I rationalized that I should get the discount for being “insulted”.

I know, I know, that’s wrong. See? It’s getting bad.

I’m getting in the car and driving over to pay back the extra money I owe, right after I post this note.

You know what? That’s not true, either. I’m not driving anywhere. What a terrible web I’m weaving! Someone help me!

When I was in my late teens—and I wanted to look a little bit older, wanted to look more like a “man”—I looked younger than my age. Foiled! Now that I’m in an age category where I wouldn’t mind looking a little younger, I look 15 years older than I really am. Foiled again! It’s not right.

I know that some of you are very kind and you have compassionate and encouraging hearts and you will tell me, “Dan, I think you look good for your age. You don’t look old to me, at all.” And I’ll admit that does make me feel a little better for a moment or two. But when you turn to walk away and you point at me and burst out laughing, your kind words lose just a touch of their credibility.

You say, “Dan, is there any lesson in all of this or are you just rambling inanely like…well…like an old guy?” Yes, the lesson is that God has a great sense of humor and He’s utilizing it to try to help me be a little more humble.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go look for my teeth.









*NOTE: I don’t really believe that God makes me look older just to keep me humble, that would make God rather cruel. I just wrote that to get a little laugh. In fact, this whole thing is an only SLIGHTLY TRUE piece of humor designed to give folks a chuckle. I hope you did . . . did laugh, that is. “A cheerful heart is good medicine . . .” Prov. 17:22

Are You Ready For the Long Demanding Path?

“There is . . . a path leading from the state of our own abilities to that of the greats. The path is extremely long and demanding, and only a few will follow it all the way to its end.”—Geoff Colvin. There is something about this quote that stirs strong feelings in me. I hope it does for you, as well. Are we willing to take the LONG, DEMANDING path? I believe it will be the worthwhile path.

Can You Let Go Of Resentment?

“Resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemies.” I read this quote recently. It’s pretty vivid, isn’t it? Do you see the truth of it? The point? Let it go. Let go of the anger, let go of the resentment, let the grudges go and forgive. As someone who HAS BEEN FORGIVEN, extend forgiveness and grace to others.

Irrational Fears

Sometimes I experience irrational fears. But the irrationality of these fears does not negate their reality to me. When this fear happens I find that: 1) knowing and pursuing God’s purpose for my life is important; and 2) understanding that God can and will use everything that happens in my life to lead me to growth, helps diminish the fear. A very important question, then, is: do we know God’s purpose for our lives?

The Cost of Discipline and The Value of Discipline

“Discipline weighs ounces, regret weighs tons.”—Jim Rohn. Discipline will, in fact, cost us something in the present. But discipline now often prevents deep regret later. It is of vital importance for us to understand that this is true: the price of regret far exceeds the price of discipline. What disciplines practiced today will bring you and I great joy tomorrow?

Maybe It IS Possible

“Whenever something in you says, ‘It’s impossible,’ remember to take a careful look. See if it isn’t really God asking you to grow an inch, or a foot, or a mile that you may come to a fuller life.” Maybe “it’s impossible” rolls off our tongues too easily. Real living is not a perpetual rest or an endless vacation. A fuller life happens when we face challenges. May we rise up, with God’s help, to the challenges of fuller living today.

I Don't Want God To Leave Me Alone

Have you ever asked God to leave you alone? Once, in a moment of hurt, fear, guilt & despair I told God, “Please just leave me alone.” As soon as the words came out of my mouth I regretted them. God’s presence can be comforting or challenging. His presence can bring peace or it can peer into us with white hot intensity. But I’ve realized I don’t ever want him to leave me alone. Not ever!

The Instant Message Misshap

One of my son Taylor’s friends had been using my computer earlier in the week and was logged into an application that allows for Instant Messaging.

This application was never logged off and so, today, another young person sent a couple of quick instant messages which were intended for this original young man but it was received to my computer because the program was still logged on at my computer under his name. (If you can follow that sentence, you have an IQ above 125.)

This is sort of like reading someone else’s mail except that it was all very unintentional. (I know that sounds like a weak excuse, but it’s true, really.)

The messages contained the kind of content that probably wouldn’t be very unusual for one young fella to send to another young fella and they weren’t anything really terrible, but it’s possible they weren’t the kind of thing that you would want your friend’s dad—who happens to be a minister—to read.

I immediately forwarded a response to the sender of the messages letting him know that I wasn’t WHO he thought I was and apologizing for allowing the miscommunication to occur. (I joked that I could get arrested for “impersonating a friend”. That carries a stiff penalty in some states.) The sender of the IMs still wasn’t completely sure if his buddy was pulling his leg or if he was really, now, IM-ing with his friend’s dad, the pastor of the church. He apologized to me for the messages and said he was embarrassed. I told him it was my fault and apologized to him. He apologized back. Then I returned yet another apology.

Before it was over both of us had apologized 9 or 10 times and used the “LOL” designation about 15 or 20 times. I’m sure he really will be able to laugh heartily about all of this after 7 or 8 months of therapy.

Hey, all these sophisticated technological tools are supposed to IMPROVE communication, right?


P.S. I have also apologized to the original owner of the application that was logged on to my computer. And after I finish posting this message I’m restricting all my future computer use to playing “Pong”.

P.P.S. Not really.

Helping Others "Feels" Right

Why does it feel right when we help other people? I read recently that acts in which we help others, stimulate the reward centers in our brain, the nucleus accumbens & the caudate nucleus, then we feel good. That’s probably true. But consider this: Jesus was a servant. He helped others. When we help others we are being like Christ. Since that is one of the primary purposes for which we were created, it FEELS right.

Welcoming "Jasper"

When a family member goes off to college you can cry and feel sad and mope around the house for weeks on end or you can go out and get a new family member. So, we did both.

But speaking of the new family member, we welcomed “Jasper” to our family today and he’s only about a year old but he already ran out into the backyard and ate a squirrel. Which, if you think about it, is a fairly decent accomplishment for a 1 year old.

I know this sounds like a completely biased new dog owner, but Jasper is a beautiful doggie, part Labrador and part something else (maybe Llama?) with jet black fur and a great temperament. He’s housebroken and he comes when he’s called, which took years for our kids to master.

When he got to our house he spent about 25 minutes going all around the place sniffing and smelling and figuring out where everything is. Come to think of it, that’s what a lot of guests do when they come to our house. Then, satisfied that it was okay, he came and sat down by my feet while I worked on the computer.

After a minute or two, he looked up at me and said, “I think this is going to work out alright. By the way, I’m not used to a steady diet of squirrel, will you be feeding me some regular dog food most of the time?”

I said, “Yes, that’s what we’ve been eating a lot anyhow, what with the economy and all.”

He said, “Great.” Then he quoted a passage of scripture and fell asleep.

I think this is going to work out alright.



*NOTE: Okay, I’m joking, he didn’t really eat a squirrel but he’s fast enough that he could.

God As Our Defender . . . Instead Of Ourselves

I’m trying to learn not to try to defend myself all the time. I have this constant need to make sure everyone knows that I’m right or I’m smart or that I have good reasons for all the things that I do. AW Tozer says, “Whoever defends himself will have himself for his defense and he will have no other; but let him come defenseless before the Lord and he will have for his defender no less than God Himself.”

Don't Miss Life

When looking back on life more people express regret for the things they didn’t try than lament their failures. Don’t be so cautious and worried about other people’s opinions that you miss life. Jack London wrote, “I would rather be a superb meteor, every atom of me in magnificent glow, than a sleepy and permanent planet. The proper function of man is to live, not to exist.”

E-Flash From Dan, Remember Sept. 11

How does a Christian respond to the events of Sept. 11th? I’ve thought about this many times, as you all have. And, as usual, Jesus and who He is and what He has done challenges my thinking deeply on the matter.

My thoughts are: Uh oh, we’re not safe after all.
The reality of Jesus tells me: You’ve never been safe and you will never have true safety except in me.

My thoughts are: Revenge! Get those no good jerks who did this to us.
The reality of Jesus tells me: Love your enemies, pray for those who persecute you. (It’s possible to do this AND not condone the wrong doing that happened.)

My thoughts are: Terrorism means that life will never be the same again.
The reality of Jesus tells me: In Christ there is full and joyful and meaningful and abundant life, despite the circumstances of this world.

We live in a place that offers us extraordinary freedom and incredible opportunities. We all know it’s not a perfect country, but it is one of the most extraordinary systems of government ever devised and it has provided a way of life and a standard of living that, in many respects, is unparalleled in the history of the world. The wealthiest kings in ancient history did not have the standard of living that an average, middle-class American enjoys today. (I’ll remind you that I’m typing this on my lap-top computer in my air-conditioned office while my MP3 player containing videos and hundreds of songs sits on the desk 6 inches from my hands. . . . Oh, wait, hold it, just a second, my new phone which contains every toy and trick known to mankind is ringing.)

We’ve had to weather some tough times in the past year—and I realize there may still be tough times ahead for many of us, I don’t mean to minimize anyone’s difficulties—but it’s still true that we are privileged to live in an amazing place.

My friend Gary left a post last night on Facebook about remembering the feelings of unity that were stirred back on 9/11/01. That’s a good thought. There really was a spirit of unity and even a love for our country and for each other that happened in the midst of the confusion and anxiety of those sad events. Remember it?

As we remember those who lost their lives and as we appropriately remember that tragic day in our nation’s history, it seems like it would be helpful for us to remember the spirit of love and unity that we experienced back then, too.

I hope you have an authentic sense of God’s presence and His love and His blessing today!

Seeing Through Jesus' Eyes

What if we really looked at other people the way Jesus looks at them? Including people who tick us off, or the supposed “nobodies” that we encounter? How would our seeing them through Jesus’ eyes affect them? How would our seeing them through Jesus’ eyes affect us? We have never locked eyes with a person that Jesus didn’t die for.

Learning From Rachel

My daughter, Rachel, is learning disabled. That means that in a certain sense her capabilities are limited. One might conclude then that her achievements in life would be minimal. But Rachel’s presence in my life has not only enriched my life, it has taught me things that no professor or book or seminar could have ever revealed. Maybe my poor grasp of God’s perspective is the more significant limitation.

E-Flash From Dan, 9/9/09, Fall Kick-Off

Dear Friends;

The writer of the book of Ecclesiastes sounds downright pessimistic when he says, “Everything is meaningless—like chasing the wind.” Having spent some years working in the corporate world, I know that I would have been very reluctant to start a new sales promotion with that quote.

“Remember folks, everything that we’re doing here is meaningless. Now, get out there and work hard at selling this product!”

It lacks that motivational edge, doesn’t it? However, the writer of Ecclesiastes has put into words some thoughts that have effectively challenged mankind’s thinking for thousands of years. What is the meaning of it all? What’s the point of our lives?

Those are some of the questions that we will be dealing with as we start our new ministry season this weekend.

This Sunday, September 13th, is our Fall Kick-Off. Our 3-week kick-off series is titled: Our Search For Meaning. I really believe that this will be a thought-provoking, stretching, interesting, challenging teaching for us all. My prayer is that it will be a time of growth for all of us. And I am hoping that you are planning to be with us. AND I’m hoping that you are planning to invite someone. Have you been thinking and praying about the question of WHO you could invite?

Let’s take the risk to invite and then see what God does.

By the way, the writer of Ecclesiastes ends the book on a little more instructive note. He says, “Here now is my final conclusion: Fear God and obey his commands, for this is everyone’s duty.”

To really understand true meaning, we have to begin with God because He is the cause and sustainer of all things and because He is foundational to all things. But, hold on, I’m getting ahead of myself. I’ll tell you more about this on Sunday.

Hope you’re all having a great week! God bless.

Dan


P.S. Here’s a thought for today: “There is . . . a path leading from the state of our own abilities to that of the greats. The path is extremely long and demanding, and only a few will follow it all the way to its end.”—Geoff Colvin. There is something about this quote that stirs strong feelings in me. I hope it does for you, as well. Are we willing to take the LONG, DEMANDING path? I believe it will be the worthwhile path.

It's Helpful To Be Humble

Christians sometimes have an inclination to want to "straighten other people out". This can be quite sincere and come from an authentically caring heart. But we have to be very cautious about this impulse, humbly remembering that Jesus said, "Get rid of the log in your own eye then you will see well enough to deal with the speck in your friend's eye." Matt. 7:5 Remember: humility, love, truth, grace, gentleness.

I Was Afraid This Might Happen

Uh oh, I was afraid this might happen.

Before I signed on to Facebook I was reluctant to do so because I did not want to “waste” a lot of time on-line. I had even read that there were people who were, in a certain sense, addicted to being on-line and would check their e-mail or other on-line social sites multiple times every hour. I read that there were people who had lost all contact with the “real” world and had been sucked into the digital vortex, living all of life through the electronic portal represented by the glowing screen to which their eyes were glued. It’s sad, isn’t it?

(Actually, I completely made up that sentence about the “digital vortex” and the “electronic portal” but I thought it sounded sort of cool and ominous.)

I finally relented, however, and signed up for Facebook.

That’s what brings me to this post. I was out of town from Sunday afternoon through early evening today (Tuesday). I was able to go to a local Starbucks, in the morning, in the town I was staying, to make my daily Facebook post. But I was in and out quickly just doing what needed to be done and not spending much time on-line looking at e-mail or even looking at the other posts that had been left by my Facebook friends.

Well, sure enough, it happened. I felt strange being “disconnected”. I felt like I was not in touch with people. I felt like I needed to “check in” but was unable to do so. Somewhere, somehow, over the past few weeks I’ve become . . . a . . . Facebook . . . junkie.

There, I said it. The shame and the guilt are somewhat diminished by having come clean and made the confession. I feel a little better. On the other hand, that may just be the allergy medication I took a few moments ago.

Is there any hope for me? Well, I know God can forgive me. But the road to healing and wholeness is a long one. Maybe, just maybe, I can be one of the survivors.

In the meantime, don’t tell anyone, but I’m sleeping with my laptop computer under my pillow tonight. Hey, don’t laugh. “Let him who is without digital connectivity cast the first stone.” [That’s a loose paraphrase of a powerful quote.] [Alright, I know, it’s a “very loose” paraphrase.]

Thank God For The Failure?

Loss and disappointment are hard. Shattered dreams can drive us to deep despair. But consider this quote: “God often has to cause our own plans to founder before we can see that he has much bigger plans than anything we hoped or dreamed.”--Nancy Pearcey Sometimes a failure is the price we pay for growing up into something larger and grander. Is it possible that you might one day say, “Thank God for that failure!”?

Pursuing Happiness

The subject of happiness has actually been researched pretty rigorously. What has been discovered, probably won’t surprise you. When we pursue happiness as an end unto itself it tends to be pretty elusive. Happiness most often comes as a result of being purposefully engaged, using our gifts in meaningful, important, helpful pursuits without directly seeking it. Hope you have a happy day today!

Are Your Habits Good Ones?

I read this line recently: “you should train yourself to question your repeated behaviors.” What have become the habits of your life? Are your habits good ones? Are they moving you in the right directions? Are they moving you closer to an authentic likeness of Christ? “The unexamined life is not worth living.”—Socrates.

You Are Stunning . . . No Really, You Are!

Your brain has 100 billion neurons sending information across one quadrillion synapses. That’s a 1 followed by 15 zeroes. That’s happening in YOUR brain. Those 100 billion neurons in your brain do 100 million MIPS [MILLIONS of instructions per SECOND!!]. God has made you in an amazing way! You are stunning. No, stop it! I'm not kidding. You are! But don't forget to thank God for it.

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made . . ." Ps. 139:13&14