Toughening The Hide While Maintaining A Tender Heart

Many years ago, at a pastor’s training event, I heard a very wise and gifted pastor named Gerald Marvel offer this piece of advice: You have to be able toughen the hide while maintaining a tender heart.

He meant that we would have to be able to take some shots; some criticism, perhaps even unfair criticism; and some disappointments in the course of a life in ministry and not run home crying every time; or throw a hissy fit; or just plain give up. That’s the “toughen the hide” part of the lesson.

But it is not uncommon that when people learn to toughen the hide in order to cope with some of the difficulties of life, in the process, they become jaded, cynical and hard-hearted. In other words, toughening the hide can easily lead to toughening the heart as well. But the jaded, cynical, hardened heart is what is important for authentic and effective ambassadors of Jesus to avoid.

While being able to take some of the shots that come our way we still have to have loving, caring, gracious, tender hearts. In fact, our hearts need to, in a certain sense, even continue to maintain a certain degree of vulnerability.

This is not easy. It does not come naturally.

Although this advice was given at a pastor’s training event and it is good advice for pastors I believe it is also good advice for all followers of Jesus.

Toughen the hide in order to take some incoming shots but maintain a tender heart.

I’m still working on this. Like I wrote earlier, it is not easy. But one of the key factors in remaining tender-hearted is to look to God and genuinely trust Him to be our protector, defender and comforter rather than trying to do this on our own.

The more we understand that God loves us and values us and the more we grasp that our inherent worth and dignity come from God not from what other people do or say, the more open, vulnerable and tender-hearted we will be able to be in spite of the harsh realities of life that will inevitably come our way.

Is It Possible That God Does Not Want To Ruin Our Fun?

God does not intend to ruin all our fun and make life into something we endure with rolling eyes, deep sighs and great misery… like a teenager with a brand new driver’s license and a curfew. However, God does set moral boundaries for us.

When the concept of moral boundaries arises some people will point out, “Aha! See? That’s what I mean. Despite what you say, Dan, these boundaries are evidence of the fact that God wants to ruin our fun and make life miserable!”

This understanding of the boundaries is not correct.

God’s boundaries are for our protection. They are for our benefit. I have crossed God’s boundaries on numerous occasions—I hate to admit that but it is true—and found that ultimately I was the one who got hurt.

God does not have boundaries because He is mean and oppressive. God has boundaries for us because He knows us and He loves us.

We Do Not Have To Find Fault In Others In Order To Feel Good About Ourselves

There is a strange thing we humans sometimes do. It goes like this: we point out faults in others because it makes us feel a little better about ourselves.  In fact, as we identify faults in others it might even convince us, in some odd way, that we actually have fewer faults. This, obviously, creates a strong incentive for continuing this type of behavior.

I’d like to tell you this is something I’ve read about and observed in others and that is how I know about it.  But, unfortunately, I have done this type of thing.

It is helpful and important for us to remember that intentionally setting out to find fault in others is not necessary.  We do not have to tear others down in order to prove to ourselves we are persons of dignity and worth, in spite of our faults.

God created us, on purpose.  God loves us and cares about us.  We have dignity and worth to the Creator of all things.

God Knows Best Even When We Don't Understand

Sometimes a young child does not understand what a loving parent is doing and the young child might even interpret the parent’s actions as mean or cruel (for instance a doctor’s visit that involves a shot).  The truth is that the parent knows much more than the child and, frankly, the child doesn’t even know enough to realize how much he/she doesn’t know.

This can happen with our interpretation of God’s ways.  The gap between what God knows and understands (which is literally everything) and what we know and understand (which is extremely limited) is vast.  So, there may be times when we simply cannot comprehend why things are happening.  And God’s ways may seem to be unkind.

Be assured that God loves us and that He knows what’s best even when it is hard for us to understand.

God's Boundaries Are For Our Own Good

Some people assume that God creates boundaries and calls us to live holy lives because He hates to see anyone experience pleasure.  

“God just wants to ruin all of my fun!” is how this thinking goes.  

But the truth is that God has established boundaries for our own good.  He does this because He loves us and does not want us to get hurt.  The fact that we may not see it this way does not change the truth of the matter.

Living With The Frustration of Not Knowing

All of our questions will not be answered on this side of eternity.  But the frustration of unanswered questions is tempered by the fact that we can know God and we can know that He loves us and we are His.  And we can know that we will experience life, forever, with Him. So, what we can know helps us live with the frustrations that come with what we can’t know.

God Is Walking With Us

We can handle everything that comes our way today because the Almighty God who created the universe loves us and He is walking with us.  “Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me.” –Jesus, John 14:1.