Why Is It Hard To Extend Grace To A Spouse?

My friend, Jennifer, put this question in the “Comment” section of a post that I wrote about “grace” on “Facebook” . . .

“Hey Dan, why is it that some people can extend grace and forgiveness to everybody else and sometimes have a hard time doing it for a spouse. My spouse would like to know that and I haven’t got an answer to that question?”


I suspect that those of us who are married almost certainly know what Jennifer’s spouse is talking about, huh? I don’t presume to know the full answer to this question but part of the answer has to do with “fear”. There is a fear inside us that if we just simply forgive or if we freely and liberally extend grace the relationship will become unbalanced and we’ll be taken advantage of. This unbalance in the relationship can be particularly fearful to us in the marriage relationship where we are, in a certain sense, more “exposed” and more “vulnerable” than in any other relationship. That’s why I said in the original post that we are only willing to extend grace if our hearts have been truly captured by the realization that we are RECIPIENTS of love and forgiveness and mercy and goodness that we do not deserve.

Extending grace is another one of those “okay-I’ll-do-it-but-you-go-first” responses in life. So, we have to realize that even when it comes to extending grace to our spouse God’s grace toward us has already GONE FIRST to such a profound extent that we can be gracious and forgiving. Remember, it’s not because of how magnanimous we are, it’s because of how good Jesus is.

I'm Really Humble. Have You Noticed?

There was a time in my life when I took pride in how humble I was. If you smiled when you read that then you see the irony of it. Humility is really important because relationships are really important. And one of the great wrecking balls of relationships is pride. “Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble thinking of others as better than yourselves.” Phil. 2:3

Hey Look! I'm Operating A Hammer and Nails!

I can’t believe I’m typing this sentence, but here it goes . . .

I was out mending fences today, with my dog Jasper.

Those of you who know me well will need a moment to get up off the floor, having succumbed to shock. It’s true. I feel like a farmer. The guy who has never been inside a “Home Depot” store was “out mending fences” with Jasper.

You say, “Dan, what’s going on, how could this be? I feel like things are all topsy-turvy and spinning out of control—I’m suddenly very dizzy.”

Well, those strong winds last night damaged some portions of the fence surrounding our backyard, so, I went out with a hammer and some nails and I “mended” the fence.

Here we go again, some who know me well will have to get up off the floor.

You dust yourself off and say, “Wait a minute, Dan, YOU operated a HAMMER AND NAILS?!? You did? What’s going on? My world doesn’t make sense anymore! Dan operated a hammer and nails!?! How could this have happened?”

Well, I read one of those “For Dummies” books about operating a hammer and nails. (They’re wonderfully informative.) And after several hours, I figured it out and got to work on that fence. And I don’t mind saying things have been hammered together and secured quite nicely. The fence has been mended. It’s a pretty impressive job….if you tilt your head slightly to the left side as you look at it.

So, to all those who say, “I need to see a miracle before I can believe in God.” I invite you over to our backyard to see something that many people would put into the category of “metaphysical impossibility”: My completed carpentry work.

Here is the newly updated partial list of incredible miracles in this world:

The Resurrection
The Virgin Birth of Jesus
The Parting of the Red Sea
The Raising of Lazarus
Dan mends a fence
Sham Wow cloth

By the way, if you do come over, would you bring some smelling salts? Nadia and Jasper are both still unconscious, having fainted after seeing me with a hammer.

Oh, and would you stop at Panera Bread and get some iced tea? That’s not for Nadia or Jasper, I’m just a little thirsty after all that fence mending (and a couple of lemon wedges, too, please).

The Waiting Is The Hardest Part. Where Have I Heard That Before?

What is the hardest test of our faith? Answer: Waiting. Waiting is too passive. Waiting is too uncertain. Waiting gives us no sense of control. Waiting strands us in the unbearable situation that we’re trying to get out of. The psalmist writes, “Wait upon the Lord.” And that might sound okay but, honestly, I don’t like waiting. How’s your faith? Can you trust God . . . and wait?

A Distraction? Or A Divine Interruption?

Distractions “can be a blessing when distractions are ‘divine interruptions’ by which God gets our attention to turn us in a new direction.”—Leighton Ford. Pay attention to distractions. Some of the greatest blessings that can happen for us occur when God interrupts our plans with something surprising and unexpected and beyond what we ever imagined.

What's Going On With This "Aging" Thing?

I’m sorry. I apologize in advance for writing something this self-centered. It’s awful, really. My mind should be focused on more important things. I ought to rise above such petty matters and get on with issues of eternal significance . . . but I can’t help it.

The issue is this: How the heck am I aging this fast? Is there something in the water? Is there some vitamin that I’m supposed to be taking that I’m missing? Is this just a long dream and I’m going to wake up and find that I’m still 30, and have a good laugh about it all?

I’m actually mildly alarmed when I see pictures of myself these days because my initial reaction is always, “Who’s that old geezer with Nadia?....Oh, nevermind…”

I had it happen again this week. I went to a drive thru and the teenager at the cash register said, “That’s $7.25, but with the senior discount it’s $6.35, grandpappy.”

Alright, she didn’t really say the “grandpappy” part, but she did automatically assume that I’m eligible for the senior discount. This really happened, and it’s not the first time. What is this? I’m 51 years old and people look at me and assume I’m approaching 72, give or take a year. (Alright, if the lighting is good, I can sometimes pass for 68.) I went ahead and took the senior discount although I’m not actually eligible for it. But I rationalized that I should get the discount for being “insulted”.

I know, I know, that’s wrong. See? It’s getting bad.

I’m getting in the car and driving over to pay back the extra money I owe, right after I post this note.

You know what? That’s not true, either. I’m not driving anywhere. What a terrible web I’m weaving! Someone help me!

When I was in my late teens—and I wanted to look a little bit older, wanted to look more like a “man”—I looked younger than my age. Foiled! Now that I’m in an age category where I wouldn’t mind looking a little younger, I look 15 years older than I really am. Foiled again! It’s not right.

I know that some of you are very kind and you have compassionate and encouraging hearts and you will tell me, “Dan, I think you look good for your age. You don’t look old to me, at all.” And I’ll admit that does make me feel a little better for a moment or two. But when you turn to walk away and you point at me and burst out laughing, your kind words lose just a touch of their credibility.

You say, “Dan, is there any lesson in all of this or are you just rambling inanely like…well…like an old guy?” Yes, the lesson is that God has a great sense of humor and He’s utilizing it to try to help me be a little more humble.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go look for my teeth.









*NOTE: I don’t really believe that God makes me look older just to keep me humble, that would make God rather cruel. I just wrote that to get a little laugh. In fact, this whole thing is an only SLIGHTLY TRUE piece of humor designed to give folks a chuckle. I hope you did . . . did laugh, that is. “A cheerful heart is good medicine . . .” Prov. 17:22

Are You Ready For the Long Demanding Path?

“There is . . . a path leading from the state of our own abilities to that of the greats. The path is extremely long and demanding, and only a few will follow it all the way to its end.”—Geoff Colvin. There is something about this quote that stirs strong feelings in me. I hope it does for you, as well. Are we willing to take the LONG, DEMANDING path? I believe it will be the worthwhile path.

Can You Let Go Of Resentment?

“Resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemies.” I read this quote recently. It’s pretty vivid, isn’t it? Do you see the truth of it? The point? Let it go. Let go of the anger, let go of the resentment, let the grudges go and forgive. As someone who HAS BEEN FORGIVEN, extend forgiveness and grace to others.

Irrational Fears

Sometimes I experience irrational fears. But the irrationality of these fears does not negate their reality to me. When this fear happens I find that: 1) knowing and pursuing God’s purpose for my life is important; and 2) understanding that God can and will use everything that happens in my life to lead me to growth, helps diminish the fear. A very important question, then, is: do we know God’s purpose for our lives?

The Cost of Discipline and The Value of Discipline

“Discipline weighs ounces, regret weighs tons.”—Jim Rohn. Discipline will, in fact, cost us something in the present. But discipline now often prevents deep regret later. It is of vital importance for us to understand that this is true: the price of regret far exceeds the price of discipline. What disciplines practiced today will bring you and I great joy tomorrow?

Maybe It IS Possible

“Whenever something in you says, ‘It’s impossible,’ remember to take a careful look. See if it isn’t really God asking you to grow an inch, or a foot, or a mile that you may come to a fuller life.” Maybe “it’s impossible” rolls off our tongues too easily. Real living is not a perpetual rest or an endless vacation. A fuller life happens when we face challenges. May we rise up, with God’s help, to the challenges of fuller living today.

I Don't Want God To Leave Me Alone

Have you ever asked God to leave you alone? Once, in a moment of hurt, fear, guilt & despair I told God, “Please just leave me alone.” As soon as the words came out of my mouth I regretted them. God’s presence can be comforting or challenging. His presence can bring peace or it can peer into us with white hot intensity. But I’ve realized I don’t ever want him to leave me alone. Not ever!