One of the ways we show people we care about them is
to listen. Listening is a deceptive skill because it seems easy. In fact, listening
is so natural and common that we don’t even think of it as a skill.
We think, “I can listen. I do it all the time. It’s
easy!”
Listening well, however, is a skill. It can be
developed and improved.
I confess that sometimes I do not listen well. There
have been times when I have casually listened to people and, sort of, heard the
words they spoke but did not really engage in such a way that there was genuine
understanding. On the other hand, here are a few points I’ve noticed about
listening when it happens well:
1. There is an energy involved in listening well.
Good listening requires us to be present and engaged. It is not a completely
passive activity. It actually requires effort.
2. When we are listening well, our own speaking is
limited and it primarily involves asking follow up questions seeking to clarify
and understand what the person is saying.
3. We usually need to stop doing other things in
order to offer the kind of attention that is required to listen well. Understandably,
there may be times when this will not be practical, for instance, if we are
driving a car and listening to someone. However, when it is possible, we
typically listen more effectively when we stop doing other things and give our
full attention to the one to whom we are listening.
4. When we listen well, we are authentically concerned
about the other person and want to know what he/she is saying. This is probably
the most fundamental issue. When we really care about a person there is a
genuine curiosity that makes a difference.
